Never bet against yourself
by Cats070911
Summary: Tommy makes a bet with Barbara in the hope that he can avoid an awkward family situation. When Barbara loses the bet, her world is slowly turned upside down until she has to decide between taking a chance or taking a brewery tour.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** all usual disclaimers apply.

* * *

Tommy Lynley dumped the books on the kitchen bench. "Make yourself at home. Do you want a beer or something stronger?"

Barbara Havers took off her coat. It was damp from the rain, so she hung it over the high back of one of his kitchen stools. "Beer's fine, thanks, Sir."

"I have Pale Ale, Pilsner or Wheat beer," her boss said as he looked in his fridge.

"Ale."

He passed her a bottle. "You should have heard Hillier carry on. Now, look here Chief Inspector! You stick to murder and I will handle the press."

"That's a lousy impression."

"Really? And how would you do him?"

"I wouldn't do him at all."

Tommy nearly spat his beer across the kitchen. "Sergeant!"

Barbara grinned cheekily at him. It was good to see her relaxed. The last few months had been hard for her. Since the Thompson case, she had gone through a period of self-doubt and low esteem. He was sure his promotion had not helped. Fortunately, he had persuaded her to finally complete her Inspector's exams although he was worried if she failed it might break up their partnership. Hillier wanted him to partner with the new hot-shot Inspector from Leeds. Her final exam was in three days, and he was helping her study.

Barbara pulled some letters from her pocket. "Oh, I picked up your mail from the door."

Tommy glanced at his post. They were all bills except one in an ornate cream envelope. He turned it over in his hand then opened it. "I wish I hadn't opened this one."

"Bad news?"

"Hmm? No, not exactly. Aunt Bertha has invited me to my cousin's graduation dinner."

Barbara tried to hide her smirk. "Aunt Bertha?"

"My father's youngest sister. Her name is actually Elizabeth, but as a child, she used her third name and it stuck. Father said she did it to annoy her parents."

"Third name? What was her second?"

"Elizabeth Gloria Bertha I think. She was named after her aunts."

"There are definite advantages to not being a toff. When's the dinner?"

"Three weeks on Saturday."

"You don't sound enthusiastic."

"Aunt Bertha thinks now is the time for me to get back out in the world. She has invited 'and partner' but I'm positive she will have a line of eligible women there for me to mingle with in the hope that someone takes my eye."

Barbara laughed softly. "Take a partner then she can't say anything."

Tommy frowned. "It's not that easy Barbara. I am not exactly popular after Julia. I'm sure the cry of 'lock up your daughters' went around very quickly. Not my finest hour as you said."

"Ignore what I say. People will understand. You were still grieving, and just starting to think about the future. Julia was young and attractive. You're only human."

"Yes, well I was a fool. Anyway, I don't have anyone I can ask."

"Surely you can think of someone."

"Why don't you partner me?" He had asked before he had thought about it, but he liked the idea. He enjoyed being with her. She was his best friend. She understood him like no one else.

Barbara nearly choked on her beer. "Me? I don't go to graduation dinners. I'd use the wrong fork or use it to stab some obnoxious twit in the eye."

Tommy grinned at her. "Just watch me, then use the same fork. You can't go wrong. Barbara, I'm serious. It would take the strain off me."

"And add it to me. No! Now are you going to help me understand the principles of Constitutional law and the Terrorism Act better or not?"

* * *

Three hours later Tommy was confident Barbara would pass her exam easily. "You have everything under control Barbara."

"Have I? Look at the time. I've missed the last bus. I'll have to ring a cab."

"I'll drive you home. I need some time to wind down after that. I haven't had to think about the potential conflicts between the 1988 Human Rights Act and the Terrorism Act for some time. You raised a valid point about Entick versus Carrington though; people are free to do anything unless the law explicitly forbids it."

"And how do we define terror?"

Tommy grabbed his keys. "You will excel in the exam, Barbara."

"Nah, be lucky to pass." Barbara stood back and let Tommy open the car door. She usually just hopped in, but he enjoyed it when she let him be chivalrous.

"I'll wager you finish in the top five percent."

"Top five percent? You're on," she said confidently, "what are the stakes?"

"Finish top five percent, and you come to my dinner. Anything else and I'll take you to dinner anywhere you choose."

"You realise you've provided me with an incentive to do less than my best."

"Have I? There is a bigger issue at stake, and we both know it. You'll do your best, won't you?"

Barbara looked across at her boss and nodded. If they were to stay together as partners, she needed to pass her exam. "Yeah, I will."

* * *

A fortnight later Lynley and Havers were summoned to the office of the Assistant Commissioner. As they walked up the corridor, Barbara wiped her hands down the side of her trousers. "Any idea what he wants?"

"Blood usually."

"Yeah, probably mine."

They waited in the ante-room silently. Tommy had a sinking feeling that after a decade together they were about to be split up permanently and he was not sure how he would react. He had become rather attached to Barbara, dangerously so.

The secretary's phone buzzed. "Commissioner Hillier will see you now."

The partners took a final look at each other. He knew she was thinking the same thing as him - they walk through the door as partners but might come out as colleagues without a purpose for existing.

"Ah, Sergeant Havers!," Hillier effused. "Come in, sit down."

"Sir." Barbara nervously took a seat while Tommy stood as close as he dared behind her chair.

"I wanted to be the first to congratulate you. You brought great credit to our little department."

"I did?"

"You haven't seen the results of the Inspector's examination? You topped the exam Sergeant. I have no idea how you did it, but of the 133 candidates, you were the only one to score over 95%. Apparently, your treatise on potential human rights violations was excellent. I had no idea you could write an essay. Several of the candidates were fast-track entry graduates you know."

"Excellent work, Barbara." Tommy was so proud that he wanted to hug her. He settled for a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Hillier was hypocritically acting as if he had personally coached her. Hitting him was tempting. Instead, he decided to take advantage. "Well, Sir, as you said the other day, I need to have the best partner I can in my new role. It looks like I can keep Inspector Havers."

Hillier glared up at him. "She might need to gain experience somewhere else. Topping the list does make her appointment almost immediate, but I would like some time to consider our options."

"I think you have proof that I learn best working with DCI Lynley, Sir."

Hillier looked displeased but slightly cornered. After a long pause, he conceded, "it might be best for your first six months to have continuity. We can reassess after that time but you will be expected to lead cases now Havers."

"Yes, Sir. I understand. Thank you, Sir."

Outside Hillier's office, Tommy put his arm around her shoulder and hugged her. "Congratulations, Barbara! You do know what this means."

"Yeah, six months for Hillier to find a reason to separate us."

"Forget that. We'll manage that at the time. It means you are coming to dinner on Saturday."

"Huh?" Barbara looked puzzled, then the penny dropped. "Oh, bugger! But I don't have anything to wear."

* * *

The last thing Tommy had ever expected to do was to go dress shopping with Barbara. She had reluctantly accepted his offer to pay, but only after he insisted it was a gift for doing so well in her exam. After a quick call to his sister, he had taken her to a small shop in Davies Street. Judith had kindly rung ahead and briefed the dresser about the function, Lynley's position and Havers' likely reaction.

Without fuss the dresser soon had Barbara outfitted in a simple, mid-calf length frock that took Tommy's breath away. The deep purple dress was quite plain which seemed to please Barbara. The colour highlighted her hair and eyes superbly. The soft material gave the sleeveless dress and ethereal quality, and as she walked the clever cut accented her hourglass figure. Even with her ratty haircut and standing in trainers, she was beautiful. He wondered why he had never noticed that before.

"Stop grinning like that! I look stupid all dolled up don't I?"

Tommy gave her his most serious look. "On the contrary Barbara. You look gorgeous." Her dark blush accentuated the dress. The dresser was standing behind Barbara and smiled knowingly at him. Tommy nodded. "We'll take it! And we might need some shoes."

Tommy discreetly paid while Barbara was getting changed. It was more expensive than he had expected but it was good value. Just to see her in it once had been worth every penny. The dresser quietly passed him the name of a hairdresser. He wondered how he could suggest that to Barbara without insulting her.

"Ready?" he asked when she came out of the change room. "I have the name and address of the shoe store."

The dresser came up to Barbara and looked at her hair. "Ms Havers, if I could suggest one more thing - your current style doesn't flow with the dress. I have given Lord Asherton the name of a hairdresser. If you tell him you need a little trim to go with the Paxton Peebles; I am sure he could help."

Tommy saw Barbara blush again. "Thank you,' she said politely then scrambled for the door.

"I understand that the shoes are needed, but a haircut? I can't afford forty pounds for a trim. And you've spent enough. I don't even want to know what that dress cost."

Tommy would have lied if she had pushed him. Barbara would think it was an exorbitant waste of money. "Barbara, think about it from my perspective. If I turn up with a stunning woman on my arm, then my aunt will think that I am managing to move on with my life and leave me alone. If I turn up with my best friend who is half-heartedly pretending to be interested in me, she will see through it in an instant. A forty pound haircut probably buys me months of time to sort myself out without interference. That's an investment I am willing to pay."

Barbara shook her head and muttered something that did not sound at all complimentary to his family. "All right, but I do not want to be made to look stupid."

The shoe fitting was remarkably easy. A modestly heeled pair of purple and silver strappy sandals suited Barbara and the dress perfectly. Tommy nodded at a clutch bag that matched, and the smiling saleslady included it in the package as if it came with the shoes and Barbara seemed no wiser.

The hairdresser took one look at her hair and tutted. "Oh no dear, that simply won't do if you have a Paxton Peebles!"

Twenty minutes later, Tommy had to wind his jaw from the floor. The change was subtle and could be argued to be a trim, but it made a huge difference to her. Instead of hanging in choppy layers, the line was smooth. When she tossed her head as the hairdresser asked, it swung evenly around her face. Barbara smiled and laughed. Her eyes lit up, and she looked stunning. "Wow!"


	2. Chapter 2

Barbara spent most of Saturday afternoon in her bathroom. Apart from several nervous toilet breaks, she had decided to feminise herself a bit. It seemed like a waste of effort but as Tommy had bought an expensive dress just so they could fool his family, the least she could do was ensure her armpits and legs were silky smooth. Fearing she would cut herself if she used a razor, she had layered on a thick, gooey depilatory gel and sat inhaling ammonia for the required twenty minutes. After a quick shower to wash that off, she wondered if perhaps she should have done her bikini line.

"Idiot! It's a game. It's not real. No one will see it."

After another nervous session on her loo, she decided that a little trim with the battery operated trimmer might make her feel sexier. But why did she need to feel sexy? She had already spent twenty pounds on a new set of black underwear at Marks and Spencer. It was not just in case. Tommy was not interested in her that way. It was, she reasoned, just to feel more confident.

Her trimmer got away on her and she ended up removing far more than she had planned. She never did any of this - she was acting like a fool. She neatened the edges, then put the instrument of torture back in her drawer. She checked her dress, made sure she had the right sized stockings then decided to floss her teeth.

She noticed a few stray whiskers growing in her chin. The tweezers would not grab them so she got two sharp knives from her kitchen and carefully tugged them out, hoping that she would not slip and cut her throat.

After another shower she carefully applied spray deodorant and stood with her arms up until they dried. "Underwear first and then makeup?"

She fetched her instructions from the bedroom. She had downloaded a how to guide to make up and dressing. Shower, hair, deodorant, underwear, stockings, shoes, dress, towel over dress, makeup, bag. Bag! She should pack her bag. Barbara looked at her small clutch and the contents she had gathered. The law of physics said something had to give.

Tommy would have money but if they had a fight she would need a cab. She found twenty pounds and put that and her credit card in the bag along with her key. Two tissues followed along with her warrant card. You never knew, did you? There was still room for her lipstick in case she needed running repairs.

Her hair felt like silk after the ten pound conditioner the hairdresser had persuaded her to buy. She applied three squirts of the body volumiser as directed then carefully blowdried it. She had to admit it looked good.

She unwrapped the underwear and adjusted the bra strap, regretting that she had not worn and washed them first. The lace itched a little but she was glad she had trimmed herself, otherwise she would have unwanted forest peeking out. This was all too stressful.

She laddered the first pair of stockings when her thumb went through the fine silk. She took a deep breath and put the second pair on with immaculate care, then wriggled around until they were comfortable. She strapped on her sandals and stood up. So far so good. She carefully took her dress from the hanger and pulled it on. It felt good and she took time to briefly admire herself in the mirror. Even without make up she did not recognise herself.

The make up proved to be more of an issue than she imagined. She managed some foundation then followed the pattern she had printed out to apply some colour to her cheeks. Her eyes were tricky. "Why the hell do women torture themselves with this everyday?"

Finally she was happy and applied her lipstick. She brushed her hair and sprayed it lightly. It was almost six o'clock. She took three deep breaths. "Lipstick!" She found it and put it in her bag. She took another three deep breaths.

Barbara jumped when her doorbell rang. It was the moment of truth. She took another few breaths then opened it. Tommy was standing there looking surprisingly nervous. He looked at her in a way that made her heart melt. His smile started as a small and almost shy grin before spreading broadly.

"I look stupid don't I?" She felt as if the world had fallen away.

"You look stunning. Your choice of shawl is interesting. It really sets off the outfit I think."

Barbara reached up and realised that she still had the towel around her shoulders. She hurriedly pulled it off and threw it on the chair.

"Seriously Barbara you look beautiful."

"So do you." She groaned inwardly. Did she really just tell him he was beautiful?

They stood staring at each other like teenagers before their senior school dance. Tommy looked tall and distinguished in his dinner suit. It lacked the shininess of cheap suits and was cut exactly to his figure. His hair was neatly trimmed and the wayward lock that often fell over his left eye had been tamed into place. She suspected he had been to the barbers for a shave as his face looked soft and smooth and there was a hint of bay under the woody freshness of his aftershave.

Barbara let her eyes feast on him. Slowly she moved her gaze down over his chest. If they were different people, she would have liked to run her hands over him. But she was Barbara and he was Tommy - her eyes would have to suffice.

She knew he was also looking at her in a different light. His eyes glinted as if it was the first time he had noticed she was a woman. She liked his gaze and as her eyes fell lower where his trousers seemed a tad too tight, she could not help but wonder if she had perhaps stirred a baser instinct. The possibility excited her in ways she should not feel with the whole night ahead of her.

Tommy leant forward and softly kissed her cheek. "I am a very lucky man to have such a gorgeous woman on my arm."

"Stop it, Sir or I might believe you. I'll just get my bag."

Tommy took her arm and escorted her to the waiting cab. He held the door and helped her inside. "Thanks, Sir."

"We are supposed to be in the first throes of a relationship, Barbara. You can't call me Sir all night."

"I don't think I can call you anything else."

"Tommy would work," he said with another huge grin.

"Okay, I'll try." He looked at her expectantly. She took a deep breath. "Tommy."

She had not expected his reaction to be so moving. His whole face lit up into a smile and she would have sworn he had a small tear in his eye as he leant across and kissed her cheek again. "Don't smudge the make up."

"Sorry, darling."

Barbara sat up rigidly. "Don't call me that!"

Tommy seemed perplexed. "Sorry. What did I say?"

"You called me darling. Please don't call me that."

"Why not?"

"Do I have to spell it out?"

He frowned at her. "Yes."

Barbara looked down. "It's what you called Helen," she said quietly.

"Ah. I call all my girlfriends that. Deborah, Helen, a few others."

"I'm not your girlfriend and it makes me... uncomfortable."

Tommy took her hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Most couples have terms of endearment. I just thought..."

"I'm being overly sensitive, I know but I'm sorry Sir, er Tommy. I can't bear to have you call me that."

"What about dear?"

"Too much like Bambi."

"Sweetheart?"

"No, too nicy-nice."

"Babe or baby?"

"Too infantile."

"What about Toots?"

Barbara simply growled at him. Tommy laughed softly. She knew he was enjoying this a bit too much. "Okay, no endearments."

* * *

The dinner was in the ballroom of one of the swankiest hotels in the city. Tommy was the gentleman and helped her from the cab. She was glad she smiled at him, because a photographer began to take photos as they walked to the door. "Who was that?"

"Society page photographer I presume," he answered as if it happened everyday. "They take hundreds but only publish one or two."

"Hopefully not ours. Can you imagine them back at the Yard with their comments?"

Tommy laughed with her. "Imagine Hillier's face. You'd shock him twice in a week."

Barbara soaked in the atmosphere of the grand old hotel. Tommy clearly knew it well, for he walked directly to the ballroom. Barbara gasped. She had expected a dinner for maybe fifty people, not the massive number of tables that filled the room. Tommy gave a table number to the usher and they were escorted through the maze of large circular tables to one near the front. Barbara was transfixed by the grandeur of the room. Light bluey-mauve walls, decorated with gold-tipped white feature plaster gave the room elegance. Barbara was glad she was well dressed. Along both walls was a line of arched French doors. On one side they led out onto a patio overlooking the Thames. On the other curtains hid whatever lay behind them.

"What sort or architecture is this?"

"I think it is designed to look like a 17th century Parisian salon. It always reminds me a bit of Versailles."

"I'll take your word for that. Does Versailles have a stage built in?"

"No, that's unique to this room," he said with a light laugh, "it was a very popular nightspot in the '20s and '30s."

Barbara stared at the grand piano on the stage and the dancefloor beneath it. "We don't have to dance do we?" she hissed.

"No, it's probably background music but if they have dancing, I'll save you."

Barbara's nerves began to overwhelm her. "I should have failed that exam!"

Tommy took her hand. It felt nerve-wrackingly reassuring. "No, you shouldn't have. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I'm proud to have you on my arm tonight. There's no one I'd rather pretend to be in a relationship with."

"Thanks, I think."

"That sounded odd didn't it? Barbara, you look terrific. Just relax and enjoy the night. Play it up for my family as much as you like. Tonight doesn't change us. You're still my friend."

"You're not friends with your lovers?"

"Tommy!" Any answer was cut short by the arrival of a woman who reminded her of a young Princess Margaret.

"Aunt Bertha!" They quickly exchanged kisses. "I'd like you to meet Barbara. Barbara, this is Aunt Bertha."

"Just Bertha please dear. Tommy can call me aunt if he must but it seems so antiquated. And don't call me Lady Bertha, it sounds like a ship! He tells me you work together."

"Bertha," Barbara said with a slight bow of her head. "Yes, I'm a detective."

"Far too beautiful to be on the beat. You'd have all the criminals confessing just to meet you. Well, I must greet my other guests. We'll talk again soon."

Barbara saw his aunt nudge Tommy and wink. He turned to her and smiled. "See, not so bad. Come and meet my cousins."

By the time dinner was served Barbara had relaxed a bit. His family seemed nice, even the youngest son who had his nose glued to his phone. Tommy had introduced him as Matthew before he left her standing with him while he went to get their drinks.

"Good game?"

Matthew grunted. "I can't get off Level 81." He showed her the screen.

"When you go left, duck into the alcove and wait. Then blast the big blue monsters as they come past."

She watched Tommy weave through the crowd. He looked perfectly at ease chatting to everyone. It was foolish to think that it could ever happen, but she wished they were lovers. She had fancied him almost since that first day when she had seen him a Simon's wedding in his morning suit. Then as she got to know him she had begun to love him. He was far from perfect but he was genuine and had taught her so much over the years. They had a connection. She had no way to describe it adequately, but they needed each other.

"My cousin's hot isn't he?"

Barbara turned to see an older version of Matthew extend his hand. "I'm Stephen, the gay nephew."

She could not help but smile. "Barbara Havers, a friend of Tommy's."

"Yes, Mother talked about you. Seems he quite besotted. And I can see why. I love that dress!"

"Yes!"

Stephen and Barbara turned to look at Matthew. "Level 82," he said somewhat sheepishly.

Tommy returned with two glasses of champagne. "Hello Stephen. How's Oxford?"

"Hellish, as usual but my mathematics tutor is cute enough to make up for it all. Oh look! There's Michael Vicks! He came out last month but his family didn't react well. If you two lovebirds will excuse me, I'll go over and offer him my shoulder. Oh and Tommy, Barbara is divine and so sexy!"

Barbara blushed deeply. This was awkward. Tommy handed Barbara her glass. "I see you've met more of the family."

"Yes."

"He's right though, you are divine." He leant forward and kissed her.


	3. Chapter 3

"Er, gross!"

Tommy looked up at Matthew and scowled. The kiss had been momentary and far too brief. Barbara's expression for once was unreadable. There was shock but it did not seem that she disliked the experience. They stared at each other a little uncertain what to do next.

"Everyone seems to be sitting down," she said.

He took her hand and led her to their table and was pleased when Barbara let him pull back her chair and help her sit. She was not maintaining eye contact but when he took her hand she squeezed it in return. "You're doing well," he said trying to encourage her. She looked up and smiled.

Dinner was far easier than he expected. Aunt Bertha was flanked by her husband Augustus, and the guest of honour, James. Aunt Bertha's eldest son looked a lot like Tommy had at that age - lean, athletic and a little haughty. James' arrogance did not seem to phase Barbara at all and Tommy felt guilty. He had probably behaved exactly like his cousin when they had first met. James' girlfriend, Amanda, was not someone he thought Barbara would like. She was attractive but vacuous and boring, exactly the type of women Aunt Bertha had probably wanted to set him up with tonight.

By contrast Barbara was far more beautiful and came with a personality. She had asked intelligent questions about Oxford of Stephen, Tommy and James and even managed to engage with Matthew the moody adolescent. Tommy was proud of her. He put his arm around her chair and ran his fingertips up and down her arm. She looked across at him with an expression he wanted to see again. Her emerald eyes seemed to beckon him. He leant close to her. "I'm enjoying tonight."

"Me too. Your family are fun." Tommy chanced a quick kiss on her cheek.

Barbara had managed the soup and entree without him even being conscious of her manners. As the waiters arrived with the main course, he wondered how she would cope with the chicken. She had a bad habit of holding her knife and fork like a truck driver, with the handle extending over the top of her hand instead of discreetly underneath it. He noticed she paused until he had taken up his cutlery then mimicked him. Something so simple triggered a thought that had been vaguely circling in his mind. He wanted to lean across and tell her he loved her. None of his actions had been a game. The realisation settled warmly on him. It made sense. He had loved her as his friend for years, he had recently found he was physically attracted to her and now the two had merged into a wonderful sensation.

"You're not eating Tommy. Is everything all right?" Aunt Bertha had spoken to him and he could only guess what she had said.

He looked up to see everyone staring at him. "He's in love," Matthew said as if it were normal. "Men in love don't eat."

His brothers turned on him as only brothers can. "Easy to see you've never been in love then Matt," Stephen said.

"No one will ever love Matty," James added as he poked his brother in the ribs.

Tommy felt Barbara's hand on his arm. He leant closer. "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost," she whispered.

"I was just thinking about something else."

"Helen?" she asked sympathetically.

"No! No, just about... It was nothing, sorry."

As they ate, the table resumed its banter about schools and universities until Matthew asked how Tommy and Barbara met. "We're colleagues. Barbara's a detective too."

"Cool. Do you outrank him?"

Barbara laughed. "No, unfortunately. He gets to order me around."

"I do not!" Tommy replied with deliberate indignation, "you would never listen to me anyway, my love."

Barbara narrowed her eyes. The endearment had just slipped out but he liked it. She was his love. He gave her a cheeky wink.

"Now Toodlepops, don't say that, everyone will think I'm bossy." Barbara's eyes were defiant and playful.

 _Toodlepops?_ Tommy looked at her and grinned. If she was going to play dirty... He leant over and kissed her, a little longer and a little harder than the one that had surprised her earlier. "You are, but I love you anyway."

"Oh how sweet!" Aunt Bertha exclaimed as she clapped her hands once.

Tommy nuzzled under Barbara's hair and whispered against her red hot face. "Toodlepops? You'll pay for that one." He gave her neck a quick kiss before sitting upright. "Sorry, I got a little sidetracked."

"How long have you been together?" Augustus asked.

"It's very recent," Barbara replied smoothly.

"We've been partners and good friends for a long time," Tommy added, "but it took me a while to realize that we would make great partners away from work too." He looked across and gave her another broad smile.

"Well, your mother is delighted Tommy. She said yesterday that she had always thought you two might finally get together."

Tommy felt Barbara tense. "Mother is a hopeless romantic at times."

"Excuse me," Barbara said to the table. "Tommy where are the bathrooms?"

"I'll show you."

Tommy jumped up and took her chair. Barbara glared at him. As they left the ballroom she turned savagely on him. "Your mother! How can I look at her again if she thinks we we've been... an item? Bertha said she thought we would get together. Bloody hell Tommy! Why would your mother think that? She thought I was a gardener!"

"That was quickly rectified. Mother's always liked you. I think Judith may have said something."

"Your sister? How did she know?"

"Did you think I frequent women's dress shops often? I rang Judith and asked where to go to buy a dress suitable for you for tonight."

"Oh, Tommy! What must they think? This is getting out of control."

Tommy took her hand and held it firmly even when she tried to shake free. "I told Judith about our little deception. She understands. I'll telephone Mother in the morning and explain." That was only partly true. Judith had asked whether there was fire beneath the smoke. He had said no, but even then he had known that he had feelings for Barbara, and that his sister had not believed him.

"Well, I think we are fooling them, but do you have to keep kissing me?"

"Oh yes."

"You're just sore about Toodlepops." She reached up an stroked his chin then pinched his cheek with more than playful force.

"Ow! Maybe," he answered with a smirk, "you had better hurry in the bathroom or they'll think we've slipped outside."

"Tommy!"

The rest of the dinner went well. The speeches were too short to be boring. Each table was for an Oxford graduate, and Barbara seemed relieved to learn that the whole room was not extended family. During the main address, Tommy had pushed his chair close to Barbara's and put his arm around her. She had snuggled into him slightly and her warmth made him forget this was not real. At one stage he kissed the top of her head and almost told her he loved her.

The dancing had been brief. Barbara had insisted that he dance with Aunt Bertha while she had made excuses to avoid it. Tommy had sent young Matthew to invite her onto the floor. He knew he was tricking her. Matthew looked gawky but as an Eton boy, he knew how to dance. Barbara surprised him by being a competent dancer. She was not fluid and graceful but she followed Matthew's lead easily. Tommy cut in, offloading Bertha onto her son. "Shall we dance, Barbara?"

"Wasn't the King of Siam bald?"

"If you think I'd shave these locks just to dance with you then... you'd be right."

"Save it. No one can hear you. I hope tonight's saved you from the Amanda's of the world but you owe me big time."

"I do."

"Can we stop dancing? My feet are killing me in these shoes."

Tommy led Barbara onto the balcony and steered her to a quiet spot at the end. It overlooked the river and they stood silently side-by-side watching the lights of the city. He wondered what she was thinking.

"Barbara, tonight has been a success and I'm thankful for that."

"It was fun. Like pretending to be someone completely different. Dressing up, coming here, dancing, being on the arm of Prince Charming. Fairytale stuff."

He put his hand over hers. "You're not Cinderella, Barbara but it is rather magical."

Tommy lifted her hand in a way that made them turn to face each other. He brought it to his lips and kissed it softly.

"Oh no, your aunt is coming."

"Only one thing for it then." Tommy pulled Barbara into his arms and kissed her. This time she pushed back against his lips. He had intended for the kiss to dissuade his aunt but he rapidly forgot the woman was there. When Barbara's arms slipped up under his jacket, the kiss became real. Soft, pliant lips sought solace in each other. Gradually, surprise gave way to curiosity then passion.

"She's gone," Barbara whispered breathlessly.

"I think we should leave too."

They found his family and bade them goodnight. The line for taxis stretched back into the hotel foyer. Tommy took a breath. "I could ask if they have a room here for the night."

Barbara gave him one of her 'you're an idiot' looks. "Very droll. We could walk."

Tommy was not sure if Barbara had not taken him seriously, or if she was indicating that the evening had just been a game to her. He was disappointed and a little annoyed - not that she had rejected him, but that he was unable to express his feelings more clearly. A taxi queue is not the place to declare your love. "Belgravia is closer than Camden."

Barbara raised her eyebrows. "I was thinking of Trafalgar Square for a cab."

"Let's walk along the river to Westminster. There'll be more cabs there at this time and... I'm not ready for the night to end."

"Me either." She smiled at him with that look again.

They returned inside and Tommy led her to the back exit that led down on the Embankment Gardens. They crossed the road and started walking slowly. The breeze off the river was cool. He slipped off his jacket and put it around her shoulders. Standing behind her, he slipped with his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder as they watched the river. "This is nice."

"It is, Toodlepops."

Tommy grinned then spun her in his arms. "I told you you'll pay for that, my love." He kissed her again just as Big Ben struck one.

This time it did not start slowly. Their kiss was hungry and urgent and mutual. Slowly they moved towards the river until Barbara was against the wall. Tommy pressed his body against her so there could be no misunderstanding about how he wanted the night to progress. "Barbara, I..."

She cut him off when she pushed him away. "I'm sorry, Sir. This isn't right. This isn't us. The game is over." She threw his jacket at him and ran towards the road.

Tommy stooped to pick it up then followed about twenty paces behind her. "Barbara wait! I'm sorry."

There was never a cab when you needed one yet miraculously as soon as she held up her hand, one stopped. He reached the kerb just as it pulled away. "Barbara!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note:** sorry for the delay. My husband informed yesterday we were expecting house guests today: 'I said a couple of months ago they were coming.' The next chapter might be a couple of days.

* * *

Barbara took a deep breath before she entered the office. She was dreading coming face to face with Tommy. He had sent repeated apologies all Saturday night and Sunday morning until she had answered him, but she knew he did not understand what had happened.

Before she could get the customary 'Havers, my office, now!' greeting, she had decided on a preemptory strike. She straightened her shoulders and knocked on his door.

"Enter."

"Good morning, Sir."

"Barbara!" He had clearly not expected her. His eyes followed her warily as she stepped towards him. She almost expected him to recoil in horror. Her guilt intensified.

"Sir, about the other night."

"Barbara, I can only apologise again. I understand why you ran. I didn't mean to frighten you. It was a foolish, clumsy attempt to let you know that I lo... that I wanted... that I was interested in actively pursuing... No, that sounds terrible. Horrid as it sounds now, I wanted you to know that kissing you aroused me. It was boorish and I can see why you thought it was intimidating, but I would never, never force myself on you. On any woman. I've been in this job long enough to understand the physical strength men have. I'm so terribly sorry that I frightened you."

Barbara had no idea he had assumed that. Her guilt multiplied a thousandfold. "No, Sir. You have nothing to apologise for. I said that in my text. It wasn't you. You didn't frighten me physically or any other way."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. It's a cliche but it's not you, it's me."

"I was shocked. I thought everything was going so well. I thought we both wanted more. I don't really understand what happened."

"I don't think here's the best place to discuss it do you? I just wanted to reassure you that you didn't have to worry."

"I do worry. Are we okay?"

Barbara nodded. "Yep. DCI Lynley and DI Havers. It has a good ring to it. I still want to work with you."

"That's a relief because I don't think I could work without you."

"Right, well I better get to it."

"Barbara, could we have a drink tonight? I need to understand what happened and how I can make it better. We can do it publicly if you prefer."

She closed her fists. He clearly was not getting the message. "I'm not scared to be alone with you, Sir."

He looked relieved. "Then will you have dinner with me?"

"No."

"Barbara, I can't fix this if I don't know what part of us I broke."

She knew she owed him an explanation. "We're both rostered off between Wednesday and Friday. Let's get together one of those nights. I need a bit more time to work out how to explain it."

"Where would you like to go?"

"I don't know. You pick. Nowhere fancy, just somewhere where I can wear jeans and be me. An Irish pub maybe. Now I'd better get upstairs. Today and tomorrow I've got my workshop on how to be a DI."

"I'm very proud of you." Tommy gave her a look that almost made her forget everything and run into his arms.

She hoped he did not notice her blushing. "Don't get all sentimental on me."

"Well, I suppose this might be the last time I can say this. Off you go... Sergeant."

* * *

Barbara did not see Tommy again until he knocked on her door at seven o'clock on Wednesday morning. She was just having breakfast after her shower and answered the door with a piece of toast in her hand. "Sir?"

Tommy was in jeans, a white shirt with subtle pattern and a well-fitting navy jacket. Her immediate reaction was the one she was trying hard to avoid. He looked incredibly sexy, just as he had on Saturday. "Good morning, Inspector," he said with far too much enthusiasm for the time of day.

She rubbed her face with her hand as she yawned. "Is there something big happening? We're off duty."

Tommy smiled broadly. "No, we don't have to go in to the Yard."

"Then why are you here at this ungodly hour?"

"Did you have any plans for today or tomorrow? There's a really good Irish pub I want to take you, but it's not in London. Could I tempt you to pack an overnight bag?"

"You don't give up do you?"

"Being away from here might help us," he reasoned, "I promise to behave like a gentleman. Separate rooms and no attempt to do anything but talk."

"It's not that complicated."

"Good then you can tell me tonight at the pub. Come on hurry up, our plane leaves soon."

"Plane?"

"Don't forget your passport."

"Tommy!"

He grinned at her. "The best Irish pubs are in Ireland, now come on."

* * *

As Barbara buckled her seatbelt she wondered how she had let him so easily talk her into a trip to Ireland. "This madness, I should get off."

"You can't. We've started taxiing."

"I could get off in Dublin and catch the first flight back."

"No, you can't," he said smugly.

"And why not?"

"Because the woman at the gate handed both passports to me. You'll have to kill me to get it."

"Highly tempting." She tried to be angry but he was being rather sweet. "Kidnapping, unlawful arrest, not a good look for a new DCI."

"It's not kidnapping - you came willingly."

"You have an answer for everything don't you."

Tommy's face turned serious. "I hope so."

* * *

Barbara watched him as he carried their bags to the rental car. He was so assured and yet he seemed vulnerable. She knew she had hurt his feelings on Saturday but instead of being his usual gruff self when offended, he was making a real effort to rebuild their relationship. She hoped that meant she was important to him. She wanted them to be friends.

"Leave your jacket on the back seat. You might need it."

"Where are we going?"

"Not too far. It's a nice drive."

They chatted generally as Tommy skirted the city then headed up into the hills. "There's a faster way, but this is prettier."

As they ascended the landscape changed to a low windy moor. The land looked barren and yet the wind gusting across the low yellowy grass made it seem alive. Small reddish bushes and patches of dark green in the deep valleys made her think of Yorkshire. Barbara sat transfixed as they drove along the lonely, twisting road. "This is a world away from London."

Tommy glanced across at her. "Yes, it is."

"Where are we?"

"Crossing the Wicklow Mountains. The road was built to let the British Army move troops quickly. This area was a rebel stronghold during the 1798 Rebellion."

"Irish rebels? What if their descendants are waiting to pounce on unsuspecting English aristocrats?"

Tommy chuckled. "You might be surprised by my views, Barbara. Having a title does not make me conservative. I oppose repression, especially that imposed by the British."

Barbara could not help but smile at him. He was being rather adorable and hard not to love. "Says he who kidnapped his partner."

"We have a definitional difference on that point. Just enjoy your drive, prisoner."

A few miles further on, he pulled off the main road onto a dirt track that wound through a conifer forest. When he parked, Barbara could hear running water. "This way," he said.

As she rounded the bend in the path she gasped. "It's beautiful."

The waterfall started above her to the left and fell sharply away to her right. The angle was gentler than many cascades but the way it carved multiple paths through the grey granite was rather mesmerizing. The water was white, like running foam. Beyond she could see the road and the mountains rising behind it, covered in low gold brush.

Tommy stood close behind her but made no attempt to touch her. It was confronting. Despite all her feelings that it was wrong, she wanted him to wrap his arms around her and lean his chin over her shoulder. She sighed as she imagined him gently kissing her neck.

"I thought you might like it here."

She turned and smiled at him. "I do. Thank you."

"Come on, it's more spectacular from the bottom."

They drove down the road, stopping three or four times to take in the view. At the bottom she looked back at the three levels tumbling down the hill. Tommy was telling her about the geology. She heard a few words about glaciers, but her thoughts were centred on him. Maybe she had been wrong. Maybe...

Their next stop was even more breathtaking. Down below them were the ruins of what looked like an old village nestled in front of small, tranquil lake. The smooth tannin contrasted with the foreboding zaffre of a longer lake behind it that snaked towards the rolling mountains. Close to the shore the red and gold conifers were clumped like gossiping washerwomen. Behind the taller, greener trees ambled up the slope before giving way to the low bushes of the moor. The colours were muted but juxtaposition made them vivid and alive. "It's magnificent."

"That's Glendalough. It's an old monastic village, founded by St Kevin in about 600 AD," Tommy informed her in his tour guide voice. "You you like to go down and have a look?"

Barbara looked at him and smiled. "I would."

They spent the afternoon strolling among the ruins of the old cathedral and cemetery as Tommy told her about the history of St Kevin and the site. Wandering through the graves the names seemed so familiar even now. "Irish names haven't changed much," she remarked idly before receiving a brief history of the Gaelic language and anglicisation under British rule.

As Tommy took a photograph for a German couple, Barbara watched the afternoon shadows move across the walls of the old cathedral. She pondered the solitary lives of the monks and wondered whether they were ever lonely. Ravens hopped along the top where heavy timbers would once have formed an arched roof. Behind them the light caught the high walls of the round tower that seemed to stretch to heaven.

"It looks like a giant pencil," she commented as Tommy came up to her.

"As a child I thought it was a medieval stone rocket ship."

"That's so cute."

"I was only nine," he said defensively, "would you like to walk to the lake?"

The spell of the place was momentarily broken by Tommy's voice. "You're the tour guide."

He watched her closely as if weighing her mood. "Toodlepops Tours likes to personalise our trips to client needs."

Barbara could not help but smile. "I still think that name suits you."

"So do I." Tommy stepped closer to her. It would have been so easy to take one step forward into his arms. Too easy. She was not the woman in the purple dress pretending to be his lover. She was a woman who was falling deeper in love with a man who may no longer be unobtainable, but who was certainly unkeepable.

"Is unkeepable a word?"

Tommy looked genuinely perplexed. "Er, no. No, I don't believe so. Why?"

"Nothing," she said, "lead on."

The path to the lake was well-trodden but Tommy took a detour through the trees. "Where are we going?"

"Just up here." Tommy scrambled up over a granite ledge. Barbara looked skeptical. He extended his hand. Barbara hesitated then took it. She was pulled up onto the ledge.

"It's a lovely spot." Tommy was scrambling around the base of a tree. Curious, Barbara wandered over.

"Found it!"

"What?"

"Look."

Barbara saw three hearts that had been crudely carved in the bark of a tree. The wounds had healed in raised grey scars. "T L loves D L. Who are they?"

"My parents, Thomas Lynley and Dorothy Lynley."

"J L loves D McD?"

"Judith Lynley loves David McDonald. My sister had a crush on a Scottish boy she had met. I was nine. I didn't have a girl but I didn't want my sister to tease me, so I made up the letters."

Barbara stared at the last heart. "T L loves B H," she read slowly.

Tommy stood behind and put his hand on her shoulder. "Now I have a name."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note:** sorry for the delay but I've had house guests.

* * *

For several minutes Barbara just stared at the tree. Tommy watched anxiously to see her reaction. When he had remembered the tree and planned his tour, he had imagined she would smile and fall into his arms. In some versions they would kiss passionately. In others, they would make love overlooking the lake. He had certainly not expected the latter. That would be improper and in any case he wanted to make love to her slowly and tenderly for their first time. What he had not expected was her to stand staring at the tree with an inscrutable expression.

"So you were named after your father," she said, completely ignoring his heart.

"Yes." He tried not to sound disappointed.

Barbara looked around and picked up a sharp looking rock. She walked to the tree and for a moment Tommy feared she was going to deface his artwork. Next to it she scratched a crude B H. Tommy held his breath as she carved something underneath then enclosed it in a lopsided heart. L.

Tommy smiled at her but he was still uncertain. _Did 4 equal an L?_ Was she saying she loved him? "Barbara?"

"Loving you has never been an issue." Her eyes brimmed with unspilt tears.

He stepped closer, ready to kiss her but she stepped away. "Then what is the issue?"

"Can we talk about this tonight?"

"Why not now?"

"I want to keep my memories of today pure." She turned and began to climb down the steep path towards the ruins.

The drive back to Dublin was quiet. He drove down to the coast and along the motorway because it was quicker. Tommy was not angry. She had at least said she loved him. Or at least he thought that was what she had said. Somehow that did not fit with her behaviour. She was scared of something and he needed to sweep that aside before she could trust herself to be with him.

"I've booked an apartment for us rather than rooms," he said as he pulled into a carpark. He saw her look. "It's has two bedrooms."

The apartment was in an old converted factory. It was spacious and modern with high ceilings and generous splashes of glass and stainless steel to contrast with the old red bricks. Their small balcony overlooked the silvery Liffey which, in the fading light, twinkled with dots of colour from reflected lights.

Tommy made sure Barbara had the bedroom facing the river. He would take the single room at the rear. As they explored the apartment he noted that her ensuite had a large bath as well as a shower. If only they were lovers...

"Thank you. This is lovely." She sounded genuine and friendly. His hopes began to rise again. He just wanted her to tell him what was troubling her. Tommy was convinced that they could find happiness together if only she would talk to him about it.

"My pleasure Barbara. Now are you hungry? Do you want to freshen up first?"

"No, but I think I might have a long bath when we get back. If that's okay?"

"Of course it is." Tommy hoped that if they did resolve things, they might share it.

They walked along the river towards the heart of Dublin. Tourists were lined up to take photos of Ha'penny Bridge with the fading sunset as a backdrop. As they turned and walked away from the river Tommy asked, "have you been to Dublin before, Barbara?"

"No. I've thought about it. I've always wanted to do the tour of the Guinness Brewery."

"We could go tomorrow if you like."

"What time's our flight?"

"Three o'clock but it's flexible. We can change it to any flight in the next three days."

"If have time, that'd be good. Thank you."

"Well, this is Temple Bar, the famous pub street."

As they walked the crowd thickened. Twice they were bumped by people hurrying to meet friends. Outside Temple Bar itself tourists with cameras were jostling to take photographs of the iconic red pub. Groups of young locals crowded together to take selfies on their phones and then laughingly posted their location to social media and checked out each other's comments.

"It's very noisy here," she said.

Since declaring his love at the tree, their conversations felt overly polite and formal. They were both trying not to upset the other and risk a fight. He hoped tonight Barbara would be honest with him and that he would respond openly. Somehow though he suspected it would be confronting. He grunted.

Barbara looked up at him. "Sorry, it's not important. Where ever you want to go is fine."

"No, sorry, it's not that. We're not ourselves are we? We've been tiptoeing around each other since I showed you that tree. The place I had in mind is in a quieter street. I just came this way because I thought you'd like to see it."

They walked on in silence for a few more blocks until Tommy stopped in front of a pub marked only by a small timber sign hanging above the door depicting a man picking potatoes. The craggy stone walls had been coated in layers of grimy cream paint. Two small, black, cross-paned timber windows were equally unimpressive. Tommy could tell Barbara was disappointed. He opened the door and ushered her inside and smiled when she gasped.

The ancient pub belied its simple exterior. The unpainted grey stone walls and rough-hewn roof timbers, turned black from the soot of centuries of fires in the huge open grate, gave the pub solidity and age. Huge, circular, medieval brass chandeliers swung in the breeze as Tommy shut the door. Dull globes sat lopsidedly in the slots formed for candles. A short but thick timber bar ran down one side of the room. There were a few wooden tables on the wall underneath shelves with an eclectic collection of old earthenware jugs, bottles and pictures of huge, jolly men trying hard to look serious for their portraits. The air felt heavy with hops and ale. The jaunty sounds of a fiddle poured through the low door that led further into the pub.

Barbara looked up at him and smiled. "You never cease to amaze me."

"I misspent my youth wisely."

Tommy went to fetch two beers while Barbara found a secluded table tucked into the corner underneath an old flag.

"To us," he toasted.

Barbara clinked his glass but could not maintain eye contact. "Thanks for a great day. I enjoyed the drive and Glendalough."

"So you've forgiven me for kidnapping you?"

She looked up and nodded as a smile spread across her face. "Yeah. I wouldn't have come if I hadn't wanted to."

"I know, but I'm glad you did."

"Me too."

"So can we talk about the other night? I thought everything was going well."

Barbara lifted her glass and emptied it quickly. "I might need a few pints first."

Tommy returned with full glasses just as the fiddle player came through the door. "Come everyone, join us. We're just about to start up a dance."

Tommy felt press-ganged as he and Barbara were herded into the next room. It was much larger and had a space cleared for dancing. In the corner a small Irish folk band sat on a small platform with barely enough room to perform. The fiddler joined them and the woman playing the flute began a haunting tune. After several bars the fiddler picked up the melody and the man with the small bodhran set the beat. A second woman began to add a lilt with a small accordion.

Barbara was whisked from his side by a tall man with a flowing red beard. Tommy was about to interject when a tiny, stocky lady grabbed him by the hand and pulled him onto the floor. About a dozen more dancers came from all corners of the pub and began to form a circle. In a perplexing display of flashing feet, the circle moved in and out taking Tommy, Barbara and other novices with it. They broke into pairs and danced around before reforming. Then the men stood still while the women danced, hands at their sides in traditional style. Tommy laughed as Barbara tried to mimic them in something more akin to a parody. His smile faded when the women stopped and the men danced. He stood firm until the hands of the woman he was next to shoved him forcefully into the centre.

Barbara was clapping and urging him on. Muscle memory is a funny thing. At Eton he had learnt some tap dancing for a school production and he found his feet still remembered the basics. He could tell Barbara was impressed. It was the only thing that lessened his embarrassment.

After the reel, and a quick pint to replace fluids, there was a lively jig. This time he grabbed Barbara and danced around with her. They were slightly late on the twirls but soon picked up the tempo. With some prompting they moved around the room without knocking anyone over or missing their line.

"This is fun!" Barbara said as they stopped for another quick pint.

"If you say so."

Practice and the social lubrication of good ale improved their dancing as the night wore on. Tommy's hands were sore from clapping and his legs ached from his Riverdance impersonations. Surprisingly though, he had enjoyed himself enormously. Barbara had been much more relaxed than she had been at the dinner on Saturday. He enjoyed watching her like this, with her hair tousled and messy from dancing, and her jeans riding up in ways that made her frequently tug them back into place. She had been beautiful all dressed up, but tonight she had a raw energy that was even sexier.

They were merry but not overly drunk, despite losing count after four pints. When the band stopped and the pub wound down, they thanked their new friends and headed back to the apartment. Tommy put his arm around her shoulders and she did not object. Halfway they had to part to go through a narrow alleyway. On the other side, Tommy took Barbara's hand. She gripped him firmly as they they talked and laughed about the night.

When they entered the apartment they both became conscious of the still unaddressed elephant. Hands retreated and they stood nervously watching each other. "I enjoyed tonight," Tommy said to break the tension, "you danced with such energy."

"Yeah," she laughed, "but not much skill. And where did you learn to tap?"

"Eton."

"That school has a lot to answer for!"

"it made me the man I am."

"Exactly," she said with a cheeky grin. "It's late. Goodnight, Sir."

"Not Tommy? Or Toodlepops?"

"Either of those would be dangerous tonight."

Despite his promise not to push, Tommy moved closer to her until they were almost touching. He bent down slowly and gave her a light kiss on the cheek. When she did not object or pull away, he pressed his lips gently to hers.

"We... shouldn't, Tommy," she whispered.

"Why not?" Tommy kissed her again. This time her lips moved against his in the way he had hoped.

Barbara took a deep, steadying breath. "Because you wanted to shag someone who doesn't exist."


	6. Chapter 6

Her statement clearly caught him off guard. "Sorry?"

"So am I, Tommy. I know you mean well but this isn't right."

She turned and fled into her room, not sure if she hoped he followed or left her alone. She had her answer when she heard his door thump shut. The temptation to go after him and throw herself at his feet made her feel even less worthy. A week ago she had known who she was and what her relationship with Tommy meant. Now she had had a glimpse of something else that excited her yet horrified her. She wanted to know what being loved by Tommy, in all its guises, felt like. She wanted to love him openly and freely. As she lay with her head buried in a pillow and another pulled tightly over her head, all the words she normally used for Tommy - respect, trust, kindness, camaraderie, affection, friendship swirled around her mind. She no longer understood how she felt. There was a breathless giddiness and new words - desire, love, lust, connection. Each one of them filled with promise and fear. "What the hell are you doing?"

Barbara tried to get it out of her mind. Nothing helped. She had spurned him twice. She doubted that Tommy would be back for a third attempt. The proud man she knew was sleeping in the next room was sometimes a fool in love, but even he had his limits. She had made a mess of everything.

She stood by the window watching the lines on the river. Water that had fallen to earth miles away was slowly edging towards the ocean. It had no choice. It could not change direction. She had set her course years ago. It was too late to change it.

It was nearly three o'clock. Barbara needed sleep. She wandered through to to kitchen to get some water. "Can't you sleep either?"

"What the... bloody hell, Sir," Barbara jumped about a foot into the air. "You scared the devil out of me. Why are you sitting alone in the dark?"

"I'm trying to work out how to convince you that you love me."

"Trying to convince me?"

"Yes. I know I love you, so I have to make you understand how you feel."

"You honestly believe that?"

Tommy stood up and came to stand beside her. "Yes."

"Then you're a fool."

Tommy touched her arm. "I know what I want Barbara."

She turned away and stared out the window. "You want the person I was pretending to be, not me. The other night was a game for your aunt."

"My aunt wasn't down at the river when you kissed me."

It was a bittersweet memory. She had wanted to kiss him then and she wanted to kiss him again now. She had felt at one with him. All the past squabbles meant nothing. Tommy's kiss had made her feel alive and wanted. The way he had held her as if she were a delicate jewel that might shatter if he embraced her too tightly, or fly away if his grip was too loose. Their kisses had been slow and almost shy, but passionate. She had felt his lust, even without his exuberant reminder and she wanted to again experience the heady rush of being wanted. More than that she wanted to feel the strength of his arms. She was tired, mentally exhausted from going over and over it all. In his arms she felt safe, not because she was dependent on him, but because together they seemed invincible. If only he loved her for the right reasons!

Barbara turned back. She could see his confused eyes in the reflected light. "No, but you were thinking I was the woman in the purple dress. You weren't interested in me as a woman until you saw me like that. Your hormones kicked in. You think you want me, but you want the illusion. You want the Barbara in the purple dress, playacting at being your girlfriend. That's not who I am. I'm the messy one in jeans and a big jacket and bad haircut."

"Barbara, I wasn't playacting. My feelings for you are real." Tommy reached out and took her hand.

"You think they are but you never had them before the dress. And some serendipitous carving in a tree proves nothing more than you're a romantic; which I kind of like by the way. That was sweet. You want to be Toodlepops, but you're not in love with me."

Tommy shook his head. "I am, Barbara, very much so."

"You're lonely and want someone to love. I understand that. You just think because we are friends and that you fancied me in that dress, that this is love. It can't be. Men like you don'r love women like me, Tommy."

"Yes, they do. I fooled myself for years trying to believe that what I felt for you was some higher form of platonic love. When I first saw you in that dress in the shop, I admit, I had a very strong physical reaction. I'm not ashamed of that, but do you really think I'm that shallow that the way you were dressed on Saturday made me kiss you?"

"Frankly, yes."

"So why do I still want to kiss you now, with your hair all messy and dressed in jeans that don't really fit you?"

"Don't they?"

"No, but stop avoiding my question. It had very little to do with how absolutely gorgeous you were Barbara, I wanted to kiss you because it was so far out of your comfort zone and yet you were prepared to dress up and play the part for me. I've waited a long time to see a sign that you felt like I did, that our relationship was more than just friends. There was one moment on that balcony when you looked at me and I knew you loved me too."

Barbara tried to read his thoughts. There was no point in denying it. "I've loved you almost as long as I've known you, that's why this is so hard. I want you to love me more than anything."

Tommy stroked her hand with his thumb. "Then we both want the same thing."

"What happens if it doesn't work? You'll want to go back to being friends. I can't do that."

"Barbara, friendship is a funny thing. If it was about never taking risks or never hurting anyone, there'd be no friends. It's about forgiveness and tolerance. We will always be friends because no matter how much we hurt each other, we can always forgive. That's rare. And a great basis for a relationship."

"I can't risk having more, then losing you to a passion that might wear off in a few weeks."

"You should never bet against yourself, my love. Infatuation might fade but love doesn't 'wear off'! I can't guarantee the future Barbara but I can guarantee I will always love you. I can also guarantee that the passion will not die out in a few weeks or months or even years. You just have to take the chance and believe in me."

Barbara sighed heavily and pulled away. "I know you mean it now, but you have a lousy track record."

Tommy stepped back as if she had slapped him. "I know, but this is different."

"How do you know?"

"I just do, because of the way I feel."

Barbara felt cruel. This was clearly as emotionally intense for him as it was for her. He believed what he was saying. "Why now?"

"Maybe we weren't ready before. Years ago our differences would have eventually torn us apart. Now they won't."

"They might."

"No. Even a year ago you would never have come to that dinner and I doubt I would have tried so hard just to impress you. Do you know what that tells me?"

"No," she replied quietly.

Tommy moved back and put his hands on her hips. "That we truly love each other."

Barbara tried to wriggle free of his grip. "How do figure that?"

"We were both prepared to be what we thought the other needed."

"But that's my point. You like what I was pretending to be, not me."

He pulled her towards him. "No, I loved you you for wanting to do it. It was a bonus that you looked so beautiful. And do you know what I think scared you most?"

"I presume you are going to inform me."

"You enjoyed it. You realised that all the things you thought were barriers to ever being my wife were made of straw. You can dress up and be the confident, funny and relaxed lady of the manor. That is a part of you too. You lock yourself away behind the gruff, dowdy facade but you are so much more. You have to believe in yourself too."

"Wife?"

"Why not?" Tommy moved closer until they were touching. Barbara felt riveted to the ground, unable to move away.

"Tommy! I can't be your wife."

"Yes, you can. You just have to believe in yourself, in me... in us."

"Tommy..."

His fingertips slowly moved down the back of her arms sending shivers up her back. She leant into him as his fingers continued their path across her back. His face was close to hers and he was waiting. Maybe he was right...

Barbara felt his heart beating rapidly against her chest. He was nervous too and she found that comforting. She took a breath then closed the gap and kissed him.

* * *

Barbara yawned and stretched. The sunlight cascaded through the window and across the bed. Tommy groaned and pulled her closer. "Is it morning already, my love?"

She ran here finger down the centre of his chest. "A bit tired are we Toodlepops?"

"Yes, but I still have some energy left." Tommy rolled her onto her back and kissed her passionately.

"Too much more of that and we'll miss the brewery tour."

"And we can't have that can we? We could go another time," he suggested as he nibbled on her shoulder. "You don't even like Guinness."

"Not the point Lord Asherton. You made a promise."

"I made several - to love you." He kissed her neck. "To honour you." He kissed her throat. "To keep you safe from tourists on brewery tours." They laughed as Tommy continued to trace kisses down her body. Barbara moaned as he ran his tongue over her navel. "To drive you wild with great sex."

"Imagine your mother's face if you'd said that!"

"I'd much rather imagine your reaction, Lady Asherton."

"But we came back, just for the tour." He continued his kisses over her body. "Mmm... oh yes. Forget the brewery!"


End file.
